From the post:
But first question, as someone who isn’t tech inclined and tinkering […] that runs out of the box without me having to install additional software manually or at least automatic setup wizards because like hardware
Don’t recommend Arch to users who doesn’t want to tinker please. I know, I use Arch. Arch regularly requires user intervention, you should see them on the news: https://archlinux.org/news/ You can see, 3-4 times a year you have to fiddle with some settings, otherwise you can get an unbootable system.
And that’s how we get “the (unrealistic) expectation I had of Linux was all command line stuff and techno babble.”
On a surface you should use the surface kernel and its patches: https://github.com/linux-surface/linux-surface
If I were you I would pick one from the well documented distros from its wiki: https://github.com/linux-surface/linux-surface/wiki/Installation-and-Setup#surface-kernel-installation
Obviously it should be possible to install this on any distro, but you can save yourself from a headache if you just follow a tutorial, if you have never done such a thing.
Usually it’s easier if you have the same distro on both of your computers, so you don’t have to think about which computer are you on, it’s simpler if everything is the same. All the same programs available, same repos, etc.