I don’t think I’m depressed. I’m not miserable. But I feel… detached. Like I’m watching my life from the outside, waiting for it to feel like mine again. There’s this quiet emptiness running underneath everything, like background static. Not loud enough to break me, just enough to make everything feel slightly out of tune.
I am sorry to say that this is exactly what depression feels like. It feels like nothing.
It isn’t a presence of misery, it’s an absence of joy. A void of emotion. The peaks and valleys become hills and ruts, the horizons dim and the colors fade.
When your emotional landscape is flat and gray, very few emotions can still paint the world a different color. Namely, anxiety. Anxiety isn’t really an emotion, it’s a complex interface between stress and thought. Anxiety taps into the same fear centers that can wake us up from a deep sleep - it’s a primal, fundamental neurological circuit that can and does break through the general malaise of depression.
This leaves you with the constant feeling of pressure. Normally, anxiety is dulled by the constant wash of normal human emotions, but when it’s the only thing you can feel… it’s rough. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
Depression is a deep, tangled mess. There are environmental and genetic factors. Causes and treatments might be purely psychological, might not. Treatment for depression - pharmaceutical or psychological - is very often flawed but almost always better than no treatment at all.
There is no single solution, and depression tends to wane so slowly and subtly that it’ll be hard to point to when or why you started to feel better. But you will feel better. And then you may feel worse again, so make sure you keep doing things that make you feel better… even when you don’t feel bad right now.
Depression also mutes the emotions you feel from your own memories and the emotions you feel from your predictions of the future. We always live in the present. Our past and our future are just simulations running in our minds. When we’re depressed, our past and future also becomes gray and anxious… even if the memories were once perfectly happy and the plans were once exciting and vibrant.
Whatever you do, it must be a part of a greater whole. Holistic treatment is key. Adjusting thought processes and habits, managing emotional responses, maintaining or improving your bodily health, speaking with professionals, taking on new hobbies and social engagements and personal responsibilities… all of these can help. All of these are hard to start.
Best of luck. Happy to talk more.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better than you were! Symptoms and severity can vary dramatically between people, but it can also vary dramatically within a single person’s experience. It sounds like you had it particularly rough.
I recommend embracing how far you’ve come. Allow yourself to feel proud and grateful as best you can.
Whatever you do, keep doing the things that work! Keep trying new things that might work too!
The most dangerous moment by far is when you’re just well enough to decide to let yourself lapse on the important things. Be suspicious of yourself at these times. Be mindful. Keep going.